Social Media Mistakes to Avoid During Divorce — “Split Happens” Podcast, Ep10, with Jay Henderlite

Divorce has a way of intensifying everything. Emotions feel sharper. Reactions come faster. The urge to explain yourself, defend yourself, or vent publicly can become overwhelming.

That is exactly why social media can become so dangerous during a family law case.

In this interview, Katie Garner speaks with Jay Henderlite, a board-certified marital and family law attorney, about how posts, comments, texts, emails, and even vague Instagram stories can create real legal and emotional consequences during divorce. Their message is practical and direct: if you are in the middle of a divorce or custody dispute, assume that anything you put in writing may come back later in a context you do not like.

The good news is that there are healthier ways to cope. There are smarter ways to communicate. And there are ways to protect both your case and your peace of mind while you move through a hard season.

Why is social media such a problem during divorce?

Jay: Because social media feels personal when we are using it, but legally and practically, it is public. People often post in the heat of the moment thinking they are just expressing frustration. What they forget is that once something goes online, there is usually a record of it somewhere. Even if it gets deleted later, someone may have seen it, remembered it, screenshot it, or saved it.

That becomes especially risky in divorce because family law cases often turn on judgment, credibility, and behavior. A post that feels cathartic in the moment can later be presented as evidence of hostility, poor impulse control, or an unwillingness to co-parent.

Katie makes a point that will sound familiar to anyone who has watched a social media dispute unfold: people may delete what they wrote a day later, but others remember. The internet has a long memory, and so do the people around you.

In other words, social media is not just a place to “get things off your chest.” During divorce, it can become an unofficial evidence file.

What kinds of posts can hurt a custody case?

Jay: The most obvious examples are direct attacks on the other parent. If one parent is posting nasty comments, mocking the other parent, or publicly airing grievances, that can undercut one of the most important positions they may later want to take in court: that they will support the child’s relationship with the other parent.

In Florida, one major factor in timesharing cases is which parent is more likely to promote, facilitate, and maintain the child’s relationship with the other parent. Even outside Florida, that principle is widely recognizable in family courts. Judges tend to look favorably on the parent who can separate adult conflict from the child’s need for stability and connection.

If your online behavior shows bitterness, retaliation, or public humiliation, it becomes harder to argue that you are the one protecting the child’s emotional well-being.

Examples that can create problems include:

• Calling your ex insulting names online

• Posting accusations about money, cheating, parenting, or character

• Engaging in hostile comment wars

• Sharing private details about the divorce

• Posting “subtle” quotes or stories that clearly target the other parent

Many people think vague posting is safer because they are not naming anyone directly. In reality, if everyone in your circle knows who the post is about, it may still communicate exactly the same hostility.

How can social media hurt children during divorce?

Jay: Children experience divorce differently than adults do. Parents may be processing betrayal, anger, grief, fear, or financial stress. Children are often processing loss, confusion, divided loyalties, and insecurity.

That distinction matters.

Simply put, children often feel love and allegiance toward both parents at the same time. They also tend to see parts of themselves in each parent. So when one parent publicly tears down the other, a child can internalize that in painful ways.

If a child sees one parent being mocked for a personality trait, weakness, or habit, the child may think, That is part of me too. What starts as adult venting can land as shame, fear, or emotional confusion for the child.

Katie also raises a practical point that parents sometimes overlook: children do not have to follow a parent’s account to be affected. Their friends may see the post. Other adults may repeat it. It may come up at school. Social media conflict can spill into a child’s social world, increasing embarrassment and even opening the door to teasing or bullying.

So the issue is not only legal strategy. It is emotional safety.

Are text messages and emails any safer than social media?

Jay: Not really. People often assume a private message is different from a public post, but from a family law perspective, angry texts and emails can be just as damaging.

If you send emotionally charged messages to your spouse or co-parent, you may see those messages again later as exhibits in court filings, hearings, or negotiations. And once they are pulled into that context, they rarely look better than they felt when you sent them.

Judges do not generally reward emotional lashing out. There is no gold star for “saying what you really felt” if what you said was cruel, threatening, impulsive, or inflammatory.

Even if the message was sent during a moment of intense stress, it may still be interpreted as evidence that you are volatile, uncooperative, or capable of escalating conflict. That can matter in disputes over parenting, communication, and credibility.

The basic rule is straightforward: if you would not want a judge reading it with a serious expression in a courtroom, do not send it.

What should someone do instead of posting or sending something in anger?

Jay: First, create a pause. That pause can save you legally and emotionally.

One practical technique he recommends is writing the message you want to send, but not actually sending it for 24 to 48 hours. The emotional surge that makes a message feel urgent often fades much faster than people expect. What feels necessary at 10:00 p.m. may feel reckless by the next afternoon.

That waiting period allows your thinking brain to catch up with your emotional brain. It gives you room to decide whether the message helps anything at all.

Jay also jokes that clients can write the nasty email and send it to him first. While he notes that not many people take him up on that, the idea behind it is solid: get the feelings out somewhere safe before you do something public or permanent.

Katie adds another version of the same idea: write it on paper and burn it. Say it out loud to a trusted person. Get it out of your system without creating a record that can later become a problem.

Some alternatives include:

• Writing the message and waiting at least 24 hours

• Talking to your attorney instead of the internet

• Calling a trusted friend who will keep your confidence

• Working with a therapist

• Turning to clergy or a faith community

• Joining a divorce support group

• Finding a private creative outlet for what you are feeling

The goal is not to suppress emotion. The goal is to express it in a place that will not damage your children, your case, or your own long-term healing.

Is venting ever healthy during divorce?

Jay: Yes. That is an important part of the conversation. The answer is not that people should bottle everything up and pretend divorce is easy. Some people process emotion by talking. Some need to verbalize feelings to understand them. That is normal, and it is valid.

The issue is not whether to vent. The issue is where and how.

I’m careful not to shame emotional expression. Instead, I draw a line between healthy processing and harmful broadcasting. Social media is a poor substitute for support. It may feel immediate, but it rarely offers the structure, privacy, or wisdom people actually need.

Healthy venting usually happens in environments that are:

• Private

• Supportive

• Nonjudgmental

• Less likely to escalate conflict

• Focused on helping you regulate, not perform

That could be therapy. It could be one close friend. It could be a support group made up of people who have been through divorce before. But it should not be a public feed full of acquaintances, coworkers, extended family, and your children’s friends.

Can social media make divorce feel even worse emotionally?

Katie: Absolutely. One of the biggest points in this discussion is that social media does not just create legal risk. It can also increase anxiety.

Divorce is already a stressful, destabilizing process. Public posting often makes that stress louder. You post something. You wait to see who reacts. You wonder who saw it. You replay the comments. You check for responses. You brace for retaliation. Instead of helping you move through emotion, it can trap you inside it.

Most people do not really want to absorb negativity online, and the person posting it usually does not feel better for long either. The post may create a brief emotional release, but then it leaves behind embarrassment, tension, or a bigger argument.

That is one reason impulsive posting can slow healing. You may have had a temporary feeling, but once you publish it, you create a permanent reminder that keeps pulling you back into the same emotional moment.

What if the other side wants to paint you as angry or unstable?

Jay: Then your own messages and posts may end up doing their work for them.

This is one of the clearest legal warnings in the conversation. In many divorces, one side may claim the other is impatient, reactive, has a short fuse, or struggles with anger. That claim may not be true. But if you have written a stream of aggressive texts or posted repeated attacks online, you may be handing over material that seems to support the accusation.

Even isolated incidents can become part of a larger story if they fit the narrative the other side is trying to tell.

Let’s also be realistic here. Nobody goes through divorce perfectly. People make mistakes. Emotions run high. A bad moment does not define a person. But repeated behavior matters, and patterns are what courts often focus on. The more often you react publicly or in writing, the easier it becomes for someone to argue that this is who you are all the time.

So the standard is not perfection. It is restraint.

What are better safeguards for people who tend to send emotional messages late at night?

Jay: Build friction into the process.

In college, I found an email feature that required me to do math before I could send late-night messages. The later it got, the harder the math became. It is a funny story, but it points to a useful principle. If you know you are vulnerable to impulsive communication, set up barriers between your emotions and the send button.

That safeguard might look like:

• Removing social media apps from your phone temporarily

• Logging out at night

• Giving yourself a no-posting rule after a certain hour

• Saving drafts instead of sending messages

• Asking a trusted friend to be your check-in person before you hit send

The idea is to make impulsive action less easy. During divorce, a small delay can make a major difference.

What role do dignity and self-respect play in all of this?

Katie: A big one. Beneath all the practical guidance is a more personal theme: how you go through divorce affects how you feel about yourself afterward.

While the process is painful, there is value in getting through it with class and respect for yourself. That does not mean being emotionless. It means refusing to let your worst moments become your public identity.

There is a real kind of strength in being able to say, I was hurting, but I did not use that hurt to humiliate someone online. There is peace in knowing you chose dignity when chaos would have been easier.

Jay reinforces this by pointing out a mental trap many people fall into: believing that how they feel right now is how they will feel forever. In divorce, sadness, rage, panic, and loneliness can feel permanent. They are not. Things do get better. Sometimes more quickly than people expect.

But when people act on temporary emotions in permanent ways, they extend the life of those emotions. They keep having to revisit them. They keep dealing with the consequences. That can delay the very healing they are trying to reach.

In that sense, staying off social media is not just about avoiding trouble. It is also about giving yourself the best chance to move forward.

If someone needs support right now, where should they turn?

Jay: Start with people who are safe, private, and genuinely helpful.

There are several support options that you can trust:

• Your attorney, who can provide guidance and has professional obligations around confidentiality

• A therapist, who can help you process intense emotions in a constructive way

• Trusted friends who will listen without spreading your business

• People in your faith community, including clergy

• Groups for people navigating separation or divorce

These are the places where emotion can be held with care instead of amplified for attention, reaction, or conflict.

And if you are tempted by the poetic social media post with the moody music and the vague accusation, skip it. It may feel dramatic in the moment, but it rarely moves anything forward.

What is the simplest rule to remember about social media and divorce?

Jay: If you are in a divorce or custody case, do not put online what you would not want repeated in court.

And Katie’s advice is just as practical: if you need to say it, say it somewhere safer.

Together, that advice forms a strong foundation for anyone trying to navigate divorce wisely. Protect your children. Protect your credibility. Protect your peace. The internet does not need front-row access to your pain.

FAQ

Can deleted social media posts still affect a divorce case?

Yes. Even if a post is deleted, someone may have already seen it, remembered it, screenshot it, or shared it. During divorce, it is safest to assume that anything posted online could resurface later.

Why do judges care about social media in custody disputes?

Because social media can reveal how a parent handles conflict, communicates about the other parent, and exercises judgment. Public hostility can undermine a parent’s claim that they will support the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Are vague posts or inspirational quotes about an ex really a problem?

They can be. If the people in your life know who the post is about, it may still be interpreted as a public attack or an attempt to stir conflict, even if no name is used.

What should I do if I feel an overwhelming urge to send an angry message?

Write it first, but do not send it right away. Give yourself at least 24 hours. You can also share your feelings with a therapist, attorney, trusted friend, clergy member, or support group instead of sending the message directly.

Can texts and emails be used in court too?

Yes. Angry texts and emails can become exhibits in a family law case just like social media posts can. If a message is cruel, threatening, or impulsive, it may be used to question your judgment or temperament.

What is the healthiest way to vent during divorce?

Venting is healthiest when it happens privately and with support. Therapy, trusted friends, clergy, and support groups offer a much safer outlet than public posting. The goal is to process your emotions without creating new harm.

Divorce can make people want to react fast, explain themselves loudly, and seek validation in public. But the strongest move is often the quiet one: pause, protect your peace, and choose a safer place for your pain.

That choice can help your legal case. More importantly, it can help you heal.