How to Win at Divorce in Florida — Split Happens Podcast with Jay Henderlite
How to Win at Divorce in Florida — Split Happens Podcast with Jay Henderlite
This interview is adapted from Episode 1 of the Split Happens podcast produced by News4JAX in partnership with Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite.
In this conversation Florida family law attorney Jay Henderlite explains a practical, humane approach to divorce — what it means, how to manage the emotional roller coaster, what courts actually care about, and concrete steps to “win” at divorce in Florida by coming out of it stronger, safer, and more in control of your life.
Table of Contents
- Why we started this conversation
- Interview
- Takeaways: A practical checklist to start moving forward
- Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
- Final thoughts
Why we started a conversation about divorce in Florida
Divorce is one of those life events that feels like an earthquake when it hits. It uproots routines, shakes your sense of security, and often collides with your deepest fears: financial instability, the wellbeing of children, and the loss of a shared life.
The aim of this interview — and the Split Happens podcast — is simple: remove the mystery, normalize the feelings, and give practical tools so that the person going through a divorce can move from panic to planning.
I’ve spent years representing families, and what I say in this interview comes from seeing the same patterns play out and the same possibilities emerge when people handle the process with clarity and strategy.
Interview
Q: Jay, what does divorce actually mean? How should someone define “winning” at divorce in Florida?
A: Divorce is an opportunity. That’s the most important line I want people to hear and believe: divorce is your opportunity to live a better life than you lived before. It’s not automatic and it’s not easy, but it is possible for everyone.
When people ask what it means to “win” a divorce, they often imagine winning a court battle, getting the better property split, or punishing a former partner. The truth I’ve seen in my practice is different: you win when you come out of the process as a better person than you were when it started.
That means emotionally stronger, more self-aware, and with a realistic plan for your life going forward. If you can do that, and be in a better place than your former spouse, then that’s a double win.
Q: Emotionally, people describe the start of a divorce as the worst day of their life. How do you guide them from that place?
A: No one, ever, comes to my office because they’re having a great day — and I don’t take that personally. The first meeting is almost always in the throes of intense feelings: anger, fear, grief.
Those emotions are normal and predictable; anger is often a cover for fear. When your sense of security, shelter, and the wellbeing of your children are threatened, the brain zooms into catastrophizing mode. The key is to acknowledge that emotional reality while shifting focus to action steps that reduce uncertainty.
My first job as an attorney is to take the temperature down. That’s actually a formal part of the Florida Bar’s bounds of advocacy for family lawyers. We have to help clients manage expectations and map out a pathway.
Emotionally, you might be in the worst place you’ll feel during the whole process on day one; if you accept that and plan for daily improvement, you will win. I give clients a simple homework assignment: write down what you want to be better next week, next month, in three months, and in a year. That exercise immediately shifts someone from reactive panic into tactical thinking.
Q: You mentioned courts don’t care about outrage. Can you explain what courts actually care about?
A: Yes — this is crucial and often misunderstood. Courts and judges follow statutes and standards, not whose feelings were more hurt.
In Florida, for example, Chapter 61 governs family law issues and it’s focused on tangible factors: the best interests of the child, financial disclosures, parenting plans, timesharing, distribution of marital assets and liabilities, and so on. There is no legal box for “I was angrier,” or “my spouse hurt me more.”
As an attorney, when I advise someone I have to zoom out from their lived emotional experiences and frame the advice around what the court cares about. That doesn’t mean feelings aren’t important — they matter for healing and future choices — but they don’t win legal outcomes.
If you want to be effective, you have to translate your objectives into the legal language and evidence that a court will recognize.
Q: What are the stages of divorce? Is there a pattern you see in clients?
A: The stages of divorce mirror stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then, for many, acceptance and reconstruction. But the order can look different for everyone.
Typically, anger comes first because it masks fear. People fear losing their home, their financial security, or the stability of their kids’ lives. Once those worst-case scenarios are confronted and addressed with a plan, the emotional intensity often declines.
The turning point for many clients is when they see a roadmap forward. The notepad exercise I mentioned — write down next week, next month, three months, a year — gives that roadmap. It helps people stop spinning and start acting.
Action calms the nervous system. Remember: the highest emotional spike is at the start. If you can expect that and commit to a daily improvement mindset, the stages move faster and healthier.
Q: Practically speaking, what are the first things someone should do when they suspect divorce in Florida is coming or is necessary?
A: Take these steps early and deliberately:
- Find a lawyer who understands both the legal and the emotional terrain. Board certification matters — it means the attorney is deeply experienced and held to a high standard in marital and family law.
- Start documenting finances and obtain necessary records: bank statements, tax returns, mortgage documents, retirement account info, and any debts. Don’t hide or destroy records; transparency and organized records build credibility.
- Think about short-term shelter and safety: where will you live? Is there a need for protection orders? Is anyone in immediate danger?
- Plan for children: maintain routines, communicate age-appropriately, and consider what schooling and stability look like during and after the separation.
- Complete the notepad homework: what do you want to be better next week, next month, in three months, and in a year? Those tangible goals create momentum.
These actions reduce uncertainty and give you leverage. Legal processes reward preparation. They don’t reward theatrics or emotional grandstanding.
Q: What about timesharing and custody battles? How can parents prepare to protect their children’s best interests?
A: Courts decide custody based on the best interests of the child. That’s a multifactor test and focuses on the child’s wellbeing: stability, continuity, mental and physical health, the parents’ ability to co-parent, any history of abuse, and so on.
Parents who present a plan that prioritizes stability and show they can cooperate will be in a much better position than those who engage in acrimony.
Practically, keep records of your parenting involvement: school involvement, doctor visits, extracurriculars, and routines you maintain. Avoid using the children as messengers. Model respectful communication.
If co-parenting is difficult, consider mediation or parenting coordination before escalating to a litigated custody fight; courts prefer parents who can resolve issues outside of constant court proceedings.
Q: How do you advise clients who fear losing their financial lifestyle—house, cars, school access for kids—after a divorce in Florida?
A: First, challenge catastrophizing thoughts. Most people assume they’ll “lose everything,” but often what changes is lifestyle and not catastrophe. Yes, dividing marital assets can mean downsizing or relocating. But there are many paths to preserve stability for you and your children.
Work with your attorney and financial professionals to create a realistic budget that reflects potential post-divorce life. Identify priority assets: do you want to keep the house? Is staying in the same school district a priority?
Those preferences dictate negotiation strategies. Sometimes staying in the home is unwise financially; other times it’s achievable with the right plan.
The key is moderation and planning. People survive and thrive after divorce by making intentional choices rather than letting fear dictate decisions.
Q: You mentioned that being a divorce lawyer could make you jaded. How did practicing family law change your perspective on relationships?
A: I worried early in my career that seeing so many failed relationships would make me cynical about marriage. The opposite happened. Observing the range of causes — sometimes small, sometimes catastrophic, sometimes rooted in addiction or poor choices — gave me empathy and perspective.
I see patterns: some relationships were never equipped for long-term change, some were rocked by infidelity or addiction, and some simply diverged as people grew in different directions.
Seeing those patterns helps clients recognize where they are and what to do next. It also helps me reassure clients: sometimes divorce is the healthiest option.
Other times, with the right interventions, reconciliation or a healthier partnership is possible. Understanding the nuance matters more than applying a one-size-fits-all moral judgment.
Q: What role should therapy and personal support play during a divorce?
A: Enormous. Legal strategy is critical, but emotional recovery is equally important. I encourage all my clients to work with therapists or counselors who specialize in trauma, grief, or family transitions.
A therapist helps you process anger and fear productively so you make decisions that align with your long-term goals rather than your short-term pain.
Build a support network — friends, family, professionals — who can hold you accountable to healthy choices. Surrounding yourself with people who reflect your best self back to you is crucial during this time of upheaval.
Q: What’s a mistake you see people make early in a divorce that undermines their outcome?
A: Acting from a place of pure reaction. Whether it’s hiding money, attempting to punish a spouse through reckless spending, or publicly broadcasting grievances that complicate custody matters—reactionary behavior creates evidence and liabilities. Another common mistake is failing to get good advice early.
The right divorce lawyer doesn’t simply stoke your anger; they give you a strategy that translates your goals into what a court will actually consider.
Finally, failing to plan for life after the divorce is a major mistake. People obsess over “winning” assets and neglect the essential question: what life am I trying to build? If you don’t know that, it’s easy to make choices you’ll regret.
Q: How should someone choose a divorce lawyer?
A: Prioritize experience, temperament, and communication. Look for someone board-certified in marital and family law if possible — that certification indicates focused experience and peer recognition. You also want someone who manages emotions and is disciplined in their approach.
Ask potential lawyers how they will take the temperature down, how they will represent your objectives in court terms, and how they communicate costs and timelines. You should feel both heard and guided. Finally, meet someone who doesn’t just tell you what you want to hear, but gives you a realistic roadmap.
Q: What does winning look like a year after the divorce?
A: Winning a year later means you can answer these questions with clarity:
- Am I safer and more stable than I was during the crisis?
- Do I have a realistic budget and a plan for housing and schooling if children are involved?
- Have I progressed on those weekly, monthly, three-month, and one-year goals I wrote down?
- Am I better emotionally — not necessarily “happy,” but less paralyzed by the event and more proactive about the future?
If the answer to those is yes, you’ve won. The legal outcome is important, but the deeper win is the life you get to live after the process.
Takeaways: A practical checklist to start moving forward
- Accept that the initial emotional spike is normal. Expect it and commit to daily improvement.
- Get an experienced, board-certified family law attorney who will manage your emotional temperature and translate goals into court-ready strategy.
- Document finances early and honestly: bank records, taxes, retirement accounts, debts, and assets.
- Prioritize children’s stability: maintain routines, avoid parental conflict in front of kids, and document your parenting involvement.
- Do the notepad exercise: identify specific improvements for next week, next month, three months, and one year.
- Engage a therapist and a support network to manage grief and make intentional decisions.
- Avoid reactionary behavior that can harm legal and custody outcomes.
- Think beyond “winning” the case — define the life you want after divorce and use the legal process to secure it.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: How long does a divorce take?
A: The timeline varies widely depending on jurisdiction, whether the divorce is contested or uncontested, and the complexity of financial and custody issues. An uncontested divorce with minimal assets can resolve in a few months; contested divorces involving child custody disputes or complex finances can take a year or more.
Remember, speed is not always the marker of success: an expedited settlement that leaves you unstable is worse than a thoughtful process that secures your long-term wellbeing.
Q: Can I keep the house after divorce?
A: Possibly. Whether you keep the house depends on negotiations about marital assets, your ability to afford the mortgage and maintenance, tax considerations, and whether your spouse seeks to retain a share.
Sometimes keeping the house requires refinancing, offsetting with other assets, or agreeing to buyout terms. Consult a financial advisor and your attorney to evaluate feasibility.
Q: Will I lose custody if my spouse accuses me of misconduct?
A: Custody determinations depend on evidence. Courts focus on the best interests of the child and consider factors like parenting fitness, domestic violence, substance abuse, and the stability each parent can provide.
False accusations do happen; document your involvement with your children, maintain a calm, evidence-based response, and let your attorney handle the legal rebuttal. Courts are wary of baseless allegations rooted in litigation tactics.
Q: Should I move out of the marital home?
A: Moving out is a big decision and has legal and practical implications. In some cases (domestic violence, safety concerns), moving out is necessary.
If the move is discretionary, consider the financial consequences, how it affects custody arrangements and timesharing, and the message it sends in negotiations. Discuss options with your attorney before making a unilateral decision.
Q: How much will a divorce cost?
A: Costs vary depending on attorney fees, whether the case goes to trial, the need for experts (forensic accountants, child custody evaluators), and the complexity of assets.
Litigation increases cost. Mediation and negotiated settlements tend to be far less expensive. Ask your attorney for an estimate and billing model upfront; transparency about cost expectations helps you avoid surprises.
Q: Can I reconcile after filing for divorce?
A: Yes. People reconcile after filing. However, reconciliation should be approached carefully and often with counseling. If you reconcile, inform your attorney so that legal filings and strategies can be adjusted. Courts and attorneys will assume a separation may be permanent unless you both clearly state otherwise and move to dismiss or pause the proceedings.
Final thoughts
Divorce is rarely something anyone wants at the outset, but it can be the beginning of a better life. The metaphor that anchored our conversation is simple: the worst emotional day tends to be at the start. If you accept that, create a plan, and take incremental steps toward the life you want, you can turn the disruption into a deliberate transition.
Your lawyer should be a guide who reduces the temperature and translates your values into legal strategy. Therapy should be your emotional ballast. And you should measure success not by how you “beat” your ex, but by whether you are safer, more stable, and moving toward the life you want to lead.
If you want to follow this conversation further, we’ll keep unpacking practical strategies for divorce, custody, and family law in future episodes.
Episode 1 of Split Happens was produced by News4JAX in partnership with Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite.