Navigating Fear & Anxiety During Divorce — “Split Happens” Podcast, Ep7, with Jay Henderlite

Fear is the loudest voice people hear when marriage ends. In this episode of Split Happens, Jay Henderlite — a board-certified marital and family law attorney at Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite — answers real questions about the anxiety that follows separation, the myths that make people panic, and the practical path forward toward a fair, manageable resolution. 

Why is fear such a dominant emotion when people begin the divorce process?

Jay: Fear comes from uncertainty. People imagine the worst: “I’ll be on the street,” “they’ll get everything,” “the kids will suffer.” That emotional reaction is entirely normal — divorce is one of those life events where things feel most unsettled and out of control. But importantly, fear often exaggerates the risk. The law and the court system exist to create structure and predictability; they don’t reward snap threats or angry declarations like “I’m getting everything.” In practice, those statements are almost always just expressions of anger, not reality.

People often say to each other “I’m getting everything” or “You’ll get nothing.” How often does that actually happen?

Jay: Almost never. It’s a baseless threat in most typical divorces. If one spouse says they’ll take everything, they’re usually venting — and venting isn’t how property gets divided. The legal system imposes rules and limits. Unless there’s truly nothing to divide, or there’s an extreme situation (for example, an immediate safety concern that temporarily suspends parenting time), the division of assets and the allocation of custody follow statutory guidelines, evidence, and a judge’s analysis — not who yells the loudest.

So what’s actually happening behind the scenes legally — is divorce treated like a contract?

Jay: Yes. Once the emotional storm settles, it helps to think of marriage partially as a contract. Most people don’t approach their marriage that way when it’s thriving, but in the legal sense, courts treat marital property, custody, and support within a structured framework. That’s a relief to many people because it means outcomes are not arbitrary. Judges apply the law — for example, Florida Chapter 61 if you’re in that jurisdiction — and there are established factors guiding decisions.

When should someone expect to move from panic to a more practical mindset?

Jay: From my experience, it typically takes three to four months for people to get to a place where they can think about their marriage as a contract rather than through raw emotion. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes shorter. Time is a stabilizer: emotions cool, priorities become clearer, and people can make better decisions. That’s why early decisions made in a heightened emotional state can be costly. Patience and counsel matter.

Okay — how does the timeline of a divorce usually play out?

Jay: Timelines vary with complexity. If the case is uncontested and both parties work together, a resolution can be reached fairly quickly. If it’s contested and heads to trial, it’ll take longer because of court calendars and procedural steps. But psychologically, expect the first few months to be the hardest. That’s when people are most anxious and least able to make clear, strategic choices. After that, most cases begin to resolve, either by agreement or judicial decision.

What practical steps can someone take in those first anxious months to protect themselves and their kids?

Jay: A few practical steps reduce chaos and protect long-term interests:

• Get legal advice early. You don’t necessarily need to litigate immediately, but understanding the legal landscape reduces fear-driven mistakes.
• Document finances. Gather bank statements, tax returns, titles, and anything about debts and assets.
• Keep a cool head around parenting. Kids mirror parents’ emotions; minimizing conflict protects them and helps custody outcomes.
• Create a short-term budget. Understand your cash flow so you can plan for schooling, camps, and daily expenses.
• Lean on professionals — counselor, financial planner, or divorce coach — to stabilize emotional and practical needs.

Is losing custody a common fear — and how should parents think about custody disputes?

Jay: Parents’ fears about custody are understandable because children are the focal point of most disputes. But the legal system is designed to protect the child’s best interests, not to reward revenge. Most custody battles center on what’s best for the child, and judges look at factors like each parent’s ability to provide stability, the child’s routines, safety concerns, and each parent’s involvement. Unless there’s an extreme situation — abuse, neglect, substance use that impairs parenting — losing custody outright is not the default. Parents who keep the child’s needs front and center tend to fare better.

What does Jay mean when he says “a man or a woman in a black robe” is a gift and unsettling?

Jay: It sounds paradoxical: relying on a judge can feel unsettling because you’re placing a major life decision in someone else’s hands. But that structure is also a gift because it ensures a fair, impartial resolution when the parties can’t reach agreement. You don’t have to win an emotional fight at home; you can rely on a legal framework to make reasoned decisions. That’s why time and counsel matter — to prepare your case and present facts instead of feelings.

How does dividing property typically work when people have multiple homes or complex assets?

Jay: Property division depends on the applicable law and whether assets are marital or separate. Real estate, retirement accounts, investments, and personal property are evaluated and often divided equitably — which does not always mean equally, but fairly considering the circumstances. When there are multiple properties, parties can:

• Agree to sell and split proceeds;
• One spouse buys out the other’s interest;
• Keep properties separately with offsets elsewhere in the financial picture.

Negotiation and accurate valuation (appraisals, tax advice) make the process smoother. Letting fear drive a scorched-earth approach rarely preserves value.

What about support — alimony and child support — how should someone prepare for those conversations?

Jay: Support is calculated based on statutory principles in most jurisdictions but can vary with agreement. For child support, courts usually use formulas considering income, parenting time, and specific child-related expenses. Alimony looks at factors such as the length of the marriage, each spouse’s earning capacity, and lifestyle during the marriage. Prepare by documenting income, employment, and reasonable expenses. Avoid surprise claims and present a clear picture of what you need and what you can afford.

Are there exceptions when someone really could “get everything” or the other spouse ends up with nothing?

Jay: Those scenarios are rare and generally tied to extreme facts. Examples might include:

• A marriage with virtually no marital assets to divide;
• Severe criminal matters or safety-related issues that justify modifying time-sharing or support temporarily;
• Situations where one spouse commits fraud or hides assets — then courts can correct and penalize.

But for most families, the system looks to allocate resources and responsibilities fairly. If you suspect hidden assets or misconduct, raise it early with counsel. Proper investigation protects against unexpected outcomes.

When does litigation become necessary versus negotiating a settlement?

Jay: Litigation becomes necessary when parties can’t reach agreement on critical issues or when one party won’t engage in good-faith negotiation. But litigation is expensive, time-consuming, and emotionally draining. Many cases resolve through negotiation, mediation, or collaborative law long before trial. The decision depends on:

• Complexity of assets and custody issues;
• Levels of conflict and willingness to cooperate;
• Time sensitivity and the need for temporary orders (for safety or immediate economic needs).

An experienced attorney helps evaluate whether settlement or trial best serves your goals.

How do you recommend people manage their anxiety during the process?

Jay: Practical strategies make a big difference:

• Focus on what you can control: organize documents, plan a budget, and make a parenting plan.
• Limit catastrophic thinking. Replace “I’ll lose everything” with concrete questions: What does my immediate budget look like? What are my housing options? What will my children need next month?
• Use professionals: therapists, financial planners, and mediators can offer objective guidance.
• Give it time. Emotions moderate, and clearer decisions emerge after a few months.

Any final words of reassurance for someone who’s just heard “you’re getting nothing”?

Jay: It’s a common experience to hear that line, and it’s usually part of the emotional process. Know this: the law creates guardrails. Don’t let someone else’s outburst dictate your choices. Seek counsel, document what matters, and plan for the next phase of life. Most people emerge from divorce into a stable, functional future. Your next chapter can be the best chapter, but it takes patience, preparation, and calm.

Key Takeaways

• Fear is natural — but it shouldn’t drive financial or parenting decisions.
• “I’m getting everything” is usually a threat, not a legal outcome.
• Give yourself time (often 3–4 months) to move from emotional reactivity to practical planning.
• Gather documents, consult professionals, and prioritize your children’s stability.
• Most cases resolve either through agreement or within the court’s framework — you’re not alone in this.

Frequently Asked Questions

Will I be homeless after a divorce?

Homelessness is not a typical outcome. Courts consider housing and living expenses when fashioning temporary and final orders. If you’re concerned, start by building a short-term budget, listing housing options, and discussing immediate needs with your lawyer so temporary support or exclusive use of the family home can be addressed if appropriate.

How long does a divorce usually take?

It varies. Simple uncontested divorces can be resolved in a few months. Contested cases that require court intervention can take many months to over a year, depending on court availability and complexity. Emotionally, many people stabilize after three to four months.

Can the court really take everything from me?

Courts divide marital assets equitably, not necessarily equally. “Everything” is unlikely unless there are extraordinary facts. If you suspect unfair behavior or hidden assets, raise it with counsel — courts can investigate and remedy fraud or concealment.

What if my spouse threatens custody to scare me?

Threats are common but rarely determinative. Courts focus on the child’s best interest. Keeping the child’s needs front and center and maintaining a record of your parenting involvement and stability helps. If you’re worried about safety, document incidents and consult an attorney promptly.

Should I rush to court or try mediation first?

Mediation and negotiation are often more efficient, less costly, and less adversarial than court. However, if there are urgent safety or financial issues, temporary court orders might be necessary. Discuss options with your attorney to choose the best route.

Closing Thoughts

Divorce is a major life transition that surfaces fear and uncertainty, but the path forward is clearer than the initial panic suggests. Legal frameworks exist to ensure fairness, and time is a natural healer that helps people shift from emotional reactions to practical planning. If you’re facing a separation, take steps today to protect your future: consult knowledgeable counsel, organize your finances, prioritize the children’s stability, and give yourself time to make deliberate choices. Split happens — and when it does, you can get through it with clarity, compassion, and resilience.

If you have questions or want to share your story, reach out to the professionals who can help. You’re not the first person to face this, and you won’t be the last — but with the right guidance, you can move confidently toward the next chapter.

This interview is adapted from the Split Happens podcast episode “Split Happens Ep. 7: Navigating fear and anxiety during divorce” by News4JAX The Local Station. For the full episode and to submit questions, visit News4JAX.com or the News4JAX YouTube channel.