Divorce with Kids — “Split Happens” Podcast, Ep2, with Jay Henderlite

 

This interview is adapted from a conversation on the Split Happens podcast produced by News4JAX The Local Station. More information about Split Happens ➔

If you are facing divorce with kids, you’re not alone — and understanding how custody, visitation, and support decisions are made can change the experience for your family.

Katie Garner asks the questions parents most often want answered, and Jay Henderlite, a Florida board-certified marital and family law attorney at Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite, answers with practical legal guidance, real-world examples, and the humane perspective every parent deserves.

Table of Contents

• Introduction — Putting children first in divorce with kids
• Interview: Katie Garner asks, Jay Henderlite answers
• Custody, visitation, and child support — how the pieces fit in divorce with kids
• Practical guidance for parents going through divorce with kids
• When to call a lawyer or a therapist — and who does what
• Do’s and Don’ts for co-parenting during divorce with kids
• Sample roadmap for parents navigating divorce with kids
• FAQ — Common questions about divorce with kids
• Closing thoughts — the solutions-first mantra for divorce with kids
• Additional resources
• Final invitation

Introduction — Putting children first in divorce with kids

When people say “divorce,” feelings often spike: fear, anger, resentment. But when you add children into that mix, the stakes feel enormous. As a parent, your child becomes the most vulnerable person in the household during separation.

My goal in this interview is to translate legal principles into actionable, compassionate advice so that families undergoing divorce with kids can navigate custody, visitation, and support decisions without losing sight of what matters most: the child’s emotional and physical wellbeing.

Interview: Katie Garner asks, Jay Henderlite answers

Katie: Why are children the focal point of so many custody disputes when people separate or get divorced with kids?

Jay: Children are our lifeblood — they reflect our identity, our hopes, and our future. When a family system changes, a child experiences many of the same core emotions the parents feel: loss, uncertainty, anxiety.

For parents, that fear about what will happen to the child often becomes the primary driver of conflict. Parents sometimes get so caught up in the “what ifs” — the worst-case scenarios — that they lose sight of what the child is actually experiencing at that moment.

That’s why, during divorce with kids, you’ll see a lot of litigation centered on custody. Almost everything in my practice is custody-related because the question everyone asks is: “What’s going to happen to my child if we separate?”

The legal system is designed to protect children, but fear can make parents act in ways that are more harmful than helpful.

Katie: You’ve handled high-conflict custody cases. Can you explain what “high-conflict” means and give an example of the kinds of cases you’ve seen?

Jay: “High-conflict” typically refers to situations where one or both parents engage in conduct that undermines the child’s wellbeing or the co-parenting relationship. That can range from persistent, hostile arguing to much more serious behavior — like alienation tactics or, in extreme cases, physical harm.

Learn more about collaborative divorce

One of the cases I’m most proud of involved a father who was harming his children physically to punish or control their relationship with their mother. Those cases are rare, but they’re what people fear most, and they require urgent legal intervention.

It’s important to name those possibilities because they aren’t theoretical. If a parent is acting in a way that is harmful or illegal, the courts can and should step in to protect the child. But those severe instances are the minority.

More commonly, the conflict is about parenting styles, boundaries, or different expectations — which are emotionally charged but not inherently abusive.

Read next: What is Uncontested Divorce?

Katie: A lot of people believe that when you’re dealing with divorce with kids, if a child is 13–15 they can pick which parent to live with. Is that true?

Jay: No — and this is a common misconception you’ll find on the internet. In Florida, and in many jurisdictions, there is no automatic legal rule that gives a child of a particular age the right to choose their custodial parent. The court’s inquiry is focused on the child’s best interest, not a simple age-based choice.

There are two reasons the “teen picks” idea is misleading. First, kids — even teens — may not always be fully candid or independent in their choices. Adolescents can read their parents and may try to manipulate situations if they think it will get them what they want. Second, courts are wary of parents influencing or coaching a child’s preference.

You don’t want parents offering inducements — expensive gifts, privileges, promises — to sway a child’s choice. If a parent does that, it undermines the integrity of the child’s expressed preference.

Katie: Suppose a teenager says, “I want to live with Mom because her house has my room and stuffed animals.” What do you do as a lawyer?

Jay: First, don’t bring your child to your divorce lawyer. Parents sometimes make the mistake of dragging kids into legal meetings. You can report what the child said, but the child does not need to be the client — and the lawyer-client relationship should remain between the parent and the lawyer.

Second, we ask: is this a safety or fitness issue, or is this a preference rooted in comfort or convenience? If there’s a legitimate safety concern — neglect, abuse, or other behavior that endangers the child — then the legal system takes that very seriously.

But the vast majority of these loyalty-based complaints come down to differences in parenting style or age-appropriate preferences. If that’s the case, the solution is often therapeutic or practical, not necessarily legal.

Katie: How do judges approach the idea of equal time vs. one parent being “the better parent”?

Jay: In Florida, the law creates a presumption that it’s in the child’s best interest to have frequent and continuing contact with both parents — often interpreted as both parents spending substantial time with the child.

A judge starts from that presumption. To deviate from it, one must show a compelling reason — usually a safety or fitness concern. Arguing that one parent is “better” at parenting is rarely enough, by itself, to justify cutting out the other parent.

Courts want to know: what will improve the child’s stability and wellbeing? If the issue is that one parent could moderate an authoritarian approach, or both parents could change the way they communicate, a therapist or parenting coordinator may be the better solution than a court order that removes contact.

More info on child custody in Florida ➔

Custody, visitation, and child support — how the pieces fit in divorce with kids

When families talk about divorce with kids, they’re really discussing three distinct — but connected — issues:

1. Custody (legal decision-making authority and primary residence)
2. Visitation or parenting time (how the child’s time is divided)
3. Child support (financial obligations to meet the child’s needs)

These elements are negotiated or litigated separately but are evaluated under the same overarching principle: the child’s best interest. As a parent preparing for negotiation or court, you should understand that courts apply consistent rules and procedures similar to those used in other civil matters, but family law is dynamic: children change, needs evolve, and legal solutions need to be flexible enough to respond.

Katie: You say family law uses the same rules as other civil litigation, but it’s different because it’s dynamic. How does that change strategy?

Jay: In a car accident case, the event is static — it happened at a point in time. Family cases are ongoing. That means the strategy should be solutions-focused, not just problem-reporting.

When you come to me, don’t just hand me a list of grievances and say, “Fix it.” Instead, bring a practical plan: what outcome will make the child feel safe and supported? How can the co-parenting relationship be structured so the child’s needs are met? Judges respond to specific, actionable solutions that show you’re put the child first.

Practical guidance for parents going through divorce with kids

Below are concrete recommendations I give to clients repeatedly. They’re simple but powerful, and they reflect both legal reality and child development science.

• Don’t involve the child in legal strategy. Kids should not act as messengers, witnesses, or bargaining chips.
• Treat your child’s experience as real. If you’re worried, they feel it. Acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them.
• Avoid “one-up” parenting. After separation, parents sometimes try to out-gift or overindulge to win affection. This creates guilt and confusion for the child and can amount to emotional manipulation.
• Seek help from neutral professionals. Therapists, parenting coordinators, and custody evaluators can reframe conflict into workable routines.
• Document real safety concerns. If abuse or neglect is a factor, gather evidence and act immediately. Safety trumps presumptions of shared time.
• Adapt parenting to the child’s developmental stage. Parenting a two-year-old is different from parenting a fourteen-year-old. Expect and plan for those changes.

Katie: What’s your best short piece of advice for parents tempted to “one-up” the other parent to win the child’s loyalty?

Jay: Don’t. Be yourself. You didn’t need to win the child’s heart when you were married — the child loved you because you were their parent. Trying to outdo the other parent after separation makes the child feel like they must choose sides, and it causes guilt. Pay attention to your child’s emotional life and treat them as a person going through a transition similar to yours. That’s the single most important thing you can do to prevent lasting harm during divorce with kids.

When to call a lawyer or a therapist — and who does what

Many parents wonder whether they need a lawyer, a therapist, or both. The short answer: if the issue is safety or legal rights, call a lawyer. If the issue is grief, adjustment, or communication, call a therapist. Often you’ll need both. Lawyers and therapists serve different functions:

• Lawyers help you understand legal risks, file necessary motions, protect safety, and create enforceable parenting plans.
• Therapists help families communicate, heal, and implement co-parenting strategies that actually work for the child’s emotional development.

In court, judges prefer when parents have tried reasonable solutions first. Taking the initiative to engage a therapist or parenting coordinator often strengthens your legal position because it demonstrates a solutions-first approach that benefits the child.

Katie: If a parent is truly worried their child will be harmed by the other parent, what immediate steps should they take?

Jay: If there’s imminent danger, call emergency services and child protective services. Document the behavior — dates, times, witnesses, photos or videos if safe — and seek temporary emergency relief from the court.

The legal system can impose supervised visitation, restrict contact, or change custodial arrangements when the evidence shows a real safety concern. Don’t assume the court won’t act; show them facts, not fears.

Do’s and Don’ts for co-parenting during divorce with kids

• Do focus on stability for the child: routines, consistent rules, predictable schedules.
• Do be honest with age-appropriate explanations. Kids don’t need the messy details, but they do need to know they are loved and both parents will be there.
• Do communicate respectfully about logistics — pick-up times, school events, medical appointments — and keep arguments out of view.
• Don’t disparage the other parent in front of the child or force the child to choose.
• Don’t use gifts, privileges, or money to influence where the child lives.
• Don’t make the child a therapist substitute — children should not be burdened with adult conflicts.

Sample roadmap for parents navigating divorce with kids

Here’s a practical sequence many families find helpful:

1. Stabilize the child’s routine immediately: school, extracurriculars, bedtimes.
2. Address immediate safety concerns with professionals and document facts.
3. Engage a therapist or family counselor to support children and parents.
4. Consult a family law attorney to understand your rights and options.
5. Attempt mediation or collaborative parenting planning before litigation.
6. If court becomes necessary, present a solution-focused plan emphasizing the child’s best interest.
7. Implement parenting plans with periodic reviews to adapt as the child grows.

FAQ — Common questions about divorce with kids

Q: Can a 15-year-old legally decide which parent to live with?

A: Not automatically. Courts consider the child’s preferences as one factor among many, but a child’s statement does not control custody decisions. Judges are especially cautious about preferences that might be influenced by a parent or by inducements.

Q: Should I bring my child to my lawyer?

A: No. Do not bring your child to your divorce lawyer for interviews or strategy sessions. Your lawyer needs to hear the child’s concerns from you and from neutral professionals like therapists or custody evaluators, not directly from the child in a legal setting.

Q: What happens if the other parent is a better disciplinarian?

A: Differences in discipline style are common and usually resolvable without removing custody. Courts will not change custody simply because one parent is more strict than the other. Consider therapy, parenting coordination, or a shared parenting plan that blends approaches while protecting the child’s needs.

Q: How do I prove my child is unsafe with the other parent?

A: Collect evidence: photos, medical records, school reports, text messages, witnesses. File for emergency temporary relief if there’s immediate danger. Speak to an attorney who can advise the best evidentiary steps for your jurisdiction.

Q: Is child support separate from custody?

A: Yes. Child support is a financial determination based on guidelines and the child’s needs; custody determines where the child lives and who makes decisions. Courts consider both, but they are distinct parts of the family law system.

Q: What if my ex is trying to “buy” the child’s affection with gifts?

A: That can be harmful. Courts look negatively on attempts to influence a child’s preference through material gifts or inducements. Document instances and consult a lawyer. More importantly, create a stable, emotionally supportive environment rather than competing in a material way.

Closing thoughts — the solutions-first mantra for divorce with kids

My mantra is simple: don’t give me problems; give me solutions. Bring to your attorney, therapist, or mediator a plan that centers the child. If your goal is to make your child feel supported by both parents, you’re already aiming at the right outcome. Litigation is a tool, not the objective. The objective is healthy children who carry forward good memories and resilience despite family changes.

If you’re navigating divorce with kids, take these practical steps: document real safety concerns, seek professional help early, avoid coercing the child, and orient your strategy around what will best support the child’s emotional and physical needs. Remember: your child senses your fear and stress. Treat them as a person going through a similar transition and prioritize their stability. That is the greatest protection you can give.

Additional resources

• Contact a board certified family law attorney in your state for jurisdiction-specific guidance like Florida family lawyers at Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite
• Find a child and family therapist experienced in separation and divorce.
• Look for parenting coordination or mediation services to reduce conflict and create workable parenting plans.

—-

If you found this interview helpful, consider listening to the full Split Happens podcast from News4JAX The Local Station for more episodes that break down legal and emotional issues surrounding separation and divorce. Prioritize your child, seek support, and aim for solutions that preserve the relationships your child needs to thrive.