Divorce Mental Health Tools — “Split Happens” Podcast, Ep5, with Jay Henderlite

Breakups and divorces can feel like fallouts that rearrange everything familiar: routines, finances, friendships, identity. Jay Henderlite, the host and a board-certified marital and family law attorney with Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite, has assembled a practical toolkit of divorce mental health tips that help people move from overwhelm to steady, daily progress.

These ideas are not therapy mandates or one-size-fits-all prescriptions. They are realistic, down-to-earth strategies anyone can start using immediately to protect their mental health while navigating separation or a relationship breakup.

These divorce mental health tips focus on short-term relief and long-term rebuilding. They cover what to avoid, how to re-center attention, and how to translate small wins into regained confidence. The goal is simple: reduce anxiety, create structure, and help people reclaim control of their lives.

Interview

Katie Garner: Breakups can feel paralyzing. What are the first things someone should avoid doing when emotions are raw?

Jay Henderlite: When people are in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, they often want to act. That instinct is normal, but some actions make recovery harder. Avoid social media stalking. Constantly checking an ex’s stories or new posts keeps the wound open and fuels anxiety. It can create a false sense of information and control that only increases distress.

Avoid acts that could have legal consequences. Destroying property, spray painting, or keying a car might feel vindicating in the moment, but those behaviors escalate problems and can lead to criminal charges. Retail therapy can be tempting and sometimes harmless, but splurging on expensive purchases to fill an emotional void rarely solves the core issue.

In short: don’t let short-term impulses dictate long-term consequences. These are common pitfalls that stand between people and steady recovery.

Katie Garner: If someone recognizes they are stuck in negative patterns, how should they begin to get back control?

Jay Henderlite: Control is rebuilt through small, repeated acts. Start with manageable goals. Write one thing you will do today to care for yourself. It could be a ten-minute walk, a single journal entry, or a quick phone call to a friend. The act of writing the goal down and crossing it off creates momentum. That tiny win trains your brain to trust your ability to follow through.

Another concrete move is to create routines. Humans respond well to rhythm, especially during chaotic times. Routine provides structure, reduces decision fatigue, and slowly rebuilds self-efficacy. The core idea behind these divorce mental health tips is to replace the noise of panic with simple, actionable tasks.

Katie Garner: Therapy is often mentioned. Is that really necessary for everyone, and how does it help?

Jay Henderlite: Therapy is one of the most effective tools for processing grief, fear, and anger following a relationship loss. It is not mandatory, but it is highly recommended. A therapist offers an outside perspective and helps separate fearful predictions from likely outcomes. Many people catastrophize—thinking they will be destitute or ruined—when the reality is far less severe. A professional can push back on those distortions and teach coping skills.

Therapy also helps with patterns rooted in attachment styles or past trauma. Those patterns shape how people react in intimate relationships and how they heal afterward. If someone struggles to stop repeating a particular emotional script, therapy can help rewrite that script.

Katie Garner: You mentioned an acronym to reframe anxiety. Can you explain that?

Jay Henderlite: Yes—the phrase “fear: false evidence appearing real” is helpful for a lot of people. Anxiety often shows up as vivid, detailed scenarios about the future. The mind generates narratives that feel true but are not grounded in facts. Calling those narratives out as “false evidence appearing real” reduces their power.

That reframing doesn’t minimize legitimate problems. It simply separates probable outcomes from imagined catastrophes. When someone practices that separation regularly, anxiety loses some of its automatic influence over decisions and behavior. It’s one of the practical divorce mental health tips that can be used anywhere, anytime.

Katie Garner: What practical, everyday activities help pull someone out of their head and into the present?

Jay Henderlite: There are a few categories that consistently work: mindfulness practices, physical movement, and acts of service. Mindfulness can be meditation, breathwork, or even a one-minute centering exercise. Apps make this accessible; a short guided session can shift perspective for minutes or even hours.

Physical exercise is powerful because it triggers endorphins and reduces stress hormones. That doesn’t mean running marathons. A walk around the block, a short bike ride, or simply keeping shoes by the door to prompt a daily walk will make a difference. Movement opens up opportunity to think differently and break obsessive thought loops.

Acts of service and social connection also matter. Volunteering or calling a friend to check in gets the mind off internal replay and fosters purpose. Even small, outward-focused actions are healing.

Katie Garner: Some people lean on their friends to vent constantly. Is venting helpful or harmful?

Jay Henderlite: Venting has value—friends are crucial for containment, empathy, and normalization during painful times. But venting becomes counterproductive when it is repetitive rumination without any movement toward solutions. If every conversation replays the same grievances, that can strengthen a victim identity and stall recovery.

Set boundaries around the purpose of sharing. Ask for perspective or concrete help rather than just commiseration. Rotate coping strategies so conversations include problem solving, distraction, and joy, not just replaying the pain.

Katie Garner: What role does journaling or written planning play in healing?

Jay Henderlite: Writing externalizes thoughts, which reduces their emotional intensity. When someone writes down specific goals—today’s task, this week’s intention, or a list of small self-care acts—it transforms abstract anxiety into actionable items. Crossing off tasks releases dopamine and reinforces agency.

Journaling also helps track patterns. Over weeks, entries reveal triggers, emotional cycles, and what actually helps. That data is invaluable for refining coping strategies and for discussions with a therapist or coach.

Katie Garner: Are there small rituals or symbolic acts that genuinely help?

Jay Henderlite: Small, grounding rituals can be surprisingly stabilizing. Standing barefoot on the grass is a simple sensory anchor. A short breathing ritual before bed, a ritualized cup of tea in the morning, or even a physical reminder such as a notebook beside the bed can signal safety and consistency.

Rituals matter because they create predictable cues that calm the nervous system. Replace high-drama acts—like burning mementos impulsively—with mindful rituals that honor grief while preserving future options.

Katie Garner: How long should someone expect to feel destabilized, and what’s a realistic timeline?

Jay Henderlite: There is no universal timeline. The initial shock is typically the worst emotional point. Many people feel at their lowest early on and gradually improve. Some changes are quick—sleep or appetite may stabilize in weeks. Other shifts—redefining identity, resolving legal matters, or restructuring finances—take months or more. The important message is that the intensity decreases and recovery is measurable with the right supports.

Track progress with small metrics: number of days with a walk, number of therapy sessions attended, or simple mood tracking. Seeing incremental improvement counters the false narrative that the pain is permanent.

Katie Garner: How can someone balance emotional recovery with the practical demands of a divorce process?

Jay Henderlite: Balance starts with delegation and prioritization. Legal and financial tasks can feel overwhelming. Hire professionals when appropriate—lawyers, financial planners, or mediators—to offload technical burdens. Simultaneously, protect time for mental health work: therapy, exercise, or social routines. Use written lists to break legal processes into discrete steps. That prevents paralysis by focusing on the next smallest right action.

Consider creating a “daily care” list separate from legal tasks. The daily care list might include sleep hygiene, movement, a kindness to oneself, and a connection to someone supportive. Those actions keep a person emotionally available to manage practical matters.

Katie Garner: What are the best one-day actions someone can start today to feel a little better?

Jay Henderlite: Reward yourself for showing up. That’s the simplest, most underrated step. Celebrate small progress. Today’s actions could be: going for a 20-minute walk, writing a single page in a journal, calling one trusted friend, and booking one therapy appointment. Those four items create momentum and are tangible wins.

Another one-day action is to remove or mute ex-related content on social platforms. That small boundary reduces triggers immediately. Finally, pick one nourishing task—cook a healthy meal, stand outside barefoot, or try a five-minute guided breathing exercise—to insert care into the day.

Practical Tools and Short Checklist

These divorce mental health tips are organized as a short checklist that can be followed for a week to build momentum:

• Today: Write one realistic goal and cross it off.
• Daily: Move for 15–30 minutes; even walking counts.
• Weekly: Attend one therapy session or join a support group.
• Boundaries: Mute or remove ex-related social feeds for 30 days.
• Ritual: Pick one grounding ritual, such as barefoot grass time or a nightly breathing practice.
• Social: Call or meet one friend who helps you move forward, not one who keeps replaying the pain.

FAQs

How can I stop social media from making breakups worse?

Limit exposure by muting or unfollowing accounts that trigger you. Set phone boundaries and uninstall or disable apps during the early weeks. Replace scrolling with a short mindfulness or walk—simple swaps reduce rumination.

Is therapy always necessary after a divorce?

Not always, but therapy is highly recommended. It speeds recovery, helps reframe catastrophic thinking, and unpacks attachment patterns that affect future relationships.

What if I can’t afford therapy right now?

Look for sliding-scale clinics, university training clinics, community support groups, or digital programs and apps that offer low-cost options. Peer support and structured self-help can also be effective short-term.

How do I know if I am venting too much to friends?

If conversations with friends replay the same grievances without new perspectives or movement, reassess. Ask for a friend’s help in problem-solving or designate specific venting sessions so other interactions can include normalcy and joy.

Can small acts really change how I feel?

Yes. Small, repeated acts build momentum and neural pathways that replace panic with competence. Crossing off everyday tasks trains the brain to expect success and reduces helplessness.

What phrase can I use to challenge catastrophic thoughts?

Use the phrase “false evidence appearing real” to test fearful predictions. Ask: What evidence supports this scenario? What evidence contradicts it? That simple question often calms automatic catastrophic thinking.

Closing Thoughts

These divorce mental health tips emphasize practical, achievable actions: avoid impulsive harm, limit exposure to triggers, build routines, use therapy and journaling, and reward yourself for each step forward. Healing is not linear, but it is measurable. Small habits compound into a new sense of agency and purpose.

Progress begins with a single, intentional act. Pick one of the checklist items above and do it today—then repeat it tomorrow. Over time, those tiny actions become the foundation for a stable, resilient life after loss.