Why Courtroom Etiquette Matters — “Split Happens” Podcast, Ep6, with Jay Henderlite

Courtroom etiquette is more than a collection of formalities; it’s a practical tool that shapes how judges perceive you, affects the credibility of testimony, and can influence the outcome of family law matters. In this interview, Katie Garner speaks with Jay Henderlite, a board-certified marital and family law attorney at Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite, about concrete steps people can take to present themselves effectively in court. Read on for actionable advice about dress, body language, emotions, technology, and what to expect whether you appear in person or on Zoom.

Interview

Katie: Jay, when people hear “courtroom etiquette,” what should they actually think about?

Jay: Think of courtroom etiquette as the practical rules of engagement for a serious setting where a judge will make decisions that change people’s lives. It’s not about acting a certain way to manipulate the outcome — it’s about showing respect for the process and making sure your words carry the weight they deserve. The courtroom or a Zoom hearing is a decision-making environment. Everything you do there contributes to the impression you leave. Dress, posture, facial expressions, and how you behave while the other person is speaking — all of those are nonverbal cues judges notice. That’s why a thoughtful approach to courtroom etiquette matters.

Katie: How should someone dress for a family law hearing or custody proceeding?

Jay: The rule of thumb is “Sunday best” without being over the top. You don’t need a three-piece suit or a ball gown, but you also shouldn’t look like you rolled out of bed. Clean, neat, and conservative clothing tells the court you take the proceeding seriously. During the Zoom era, this advice is even more important. Judges still wear robes; if they show up in a formal way, your casual pajama top on camera undermines the respect you’re communicating. Avoid clothing with controversial slogans or images. A simple, tidy appearance helps the judge focus on your message, not your outfit.

Katie: Body language came up a lot. Why does it matter so much in court?

Jay: Judges are observers. They look at parties not only to hear testimony but to gauge credibility and temperament. If someone is scoffing, shaking their head, folding their arms, or sniffing derision while the other party is testifying, that nonverbal behavior sends a signal: anger, disrespect, or lack of cooperation. In family law — where a judge must often determine who can best support a child’s relationship with both parents — visible anger can be particularly damaging. Good courtroom etiquette means keeping a composed posture, limiting expressive gestures that could be misread, and allowing testimony to proceed without interruption. That composure communicates a willingness to co-parent and to follow court directions.

Katie: Nerves are natural. What are realistic ways to prepare so those nerves don’t ruin courtroom etiquette?

Jay: Preparation is the antidote to nerves. Do the work beforehand: rehearse your core points, know the timeline of events you’ll discuss, and practice calm breathing techniques so you can collect yourself if you feel overwhelmed. Consider these practical steps:

• Outline your testimony in short bullet points rather than scripting every word. That helps it sound natural while keeping you on topic.
• Run a mock Q&A with your lawyer or a trusted friend to get comfortable answering direct questions without wandering into “rabbit holes.”
• Use grounding techniques like slow inhalations or a subtle hand position to steady yourself between questions.
• If you feel emotions building, ask for a brief recess rather than letting anger or tears control your behavior.

Remember: judges expect emotion when custody or family dynamics are on the line. Tears and sadness can be appropriate. Anger and demonstrative hostility are the emotions to manage — they’re the ones that most often hurt your case.

Katie: What’s the “golden rule” of courtroom behavior?

Jay: Everything is on the record — even the things you think aren’t being watched. You will be in the decision-maker’s line of sight much of the time. That means gestures, expressions, and cell phone use are all noticed. If you make a strong, credible point and then immediately scoff or roll your eyes while the other side speaks, the judge will remember less of what you said and more of your reaction. Good courtroom etiquette means assuming that any moment could influence the judge’s perception and acting accordingly.

Katie: How should someone handle testimony so they come across as credible?

Jay: Credibility rests on three pillars: truthfulness, clarity, and composure.

• Truthfulness: Don’t invent details or embellish memories to make your story more dramatic. If the judge senses fabrication, that can undermine everything you’ve shared.
• Clarity: Answer the question asked. If you’re asked for a date or a specific fact, give it; don’t wander into commentary unless asked. Short, direct answers are more persuasive than long monologues.
• Composure: Keep your tone measured. Crying or being emotional can be appropriate, but performative displays or overacting create suspicion that the emotion is staged. Judges can usually tell the difference.

It’s better to be a plain, honest witness than a polished actor. When your testimony aligns with documents, witness statements, or other evidence, your truthfulness becomes evident.

Katie: What about technology — can people bring phones, laptops, or tablets to court? What about Zoom court etiquette?

Jay: You can bring devices, but use common sense. Don’t scroll social media during a hearing; that looks disrespectful. Bring a laptop only if you need it for a legitimate court purpose, such as viewing exhibits that have been pre-approved. For Zoom hearings, recreate the courtroom atmosphere: sit in a neutral, tidy space, dress appropriately, and eliminate distractions. Ensure your camera is stable and at eye level, your audio is clear, and any notifications are silenced. Even though you may be physically at home, the same standards of courtroom etiquette apply.

Katie: Judges can remember people. Are there behaviors that will definitely hurt your case?

Jay: Yes. Open displays of anger, attempts to intimidate the other party or the court, and overtly disrespectful behavior are memorable in the worst way. Also avoid trying to “stage” emotion — performance is transparent to experienced judges. Another misstep is trying to bribe or curry favor with the judge (for example, offering gifts). That’s not only frowned upon — it’s improper and can have ethical consequences. Follow courtroom etiquette by remaining respectful, punctual, and attentive.

Katie: For someone facing their first hearing, can you give a practical pre-court checklist focused on courtroom etiquette?

Jay: Absolutely. Here’s a compact checklist you can use before a hearing:

1. Confirm whether the hearing is in-person or on Zoom and arrive early (or log in early).
2. Choose professional, conservative clothing — neat, comfortable, and unambiguous.
3. Silence your phone and put it away; close unrelated tabs and apps for Zoom appearances.
4. Review your testimony bullet points and the key facts you want to communicate.
5. Practice breathing and grounding exercises to manage nerves.
6. Plan to listen actively while the other side speaks — no scoffing, no visible disdain.
7. If you need a break, ask politely for a recess rather than reacting emotionally.
8. Bring only the exhibits and documents you’ll actually use; keep them organized for quick reference.

These steps are practical expressions of courtroom etiquette. They help you look prepared and credible, and they let the judge focus on the issues that matter.

Katie: If someone prefers to appear in person rather than on Zoom, do they usually have a choice?

Jay: Most of the time, yes. Since the pandemic, courts adopted Zoom for a lot of hearings, especially short procedural matters. Many judges have returned to in-person dockets, but if a person is uncomfortable appearing remotely, they can often opt to appear in person — especially for more substantive hearings. Check with your lawyer and the court clerk in advance to confirm how the specific hearing will be held and whether in-person appearance is allowed. Regardless of the format, apply the same courtroom etiquette standards.

Katie: Final quick tips — what are three simple rules people should never forget about courtroom etiquette?

Jay:

• Respect the process: Treat the courtroom and its procedures with the seriousness they deserve.
• Manage visible emotion: Be honest but control anger and theatrics.
• Communicate clearly and concisely: Truthful, direct answers outrank dramatics every time.

When you combine preparation with thoughtful courtroom etiquette, you maximize the odds that a judge will hear your case fairly and focus on the merits rather than peripheral distractions.

Frequently asked questions

Can I bring my cell phone into the courtroom or have it on during a Zoom hearing?

You can bring a cell phone, but it should be silenced and put away. Using social media or checking messages during a hearing appears disrespectful and can negatively affect the judge’s perception. For Zoom, turn off notifications and ensure your environment is distraction-free.

What should I wear to court if I don’t own a suit?

Wear clean, conservative clothing — a collared shirt and slacks or a modest dress are fine. The aim is to look presentable and like you took the matter seriously. Avoid slogans, logo-heavy shirts, ripped jeans, and anything that could be interpreted as flippant.

How emotional is too emotional in a family law hearing?

Showing sadness or concern over custody issues is normal and expected. Displaying anger, hostility, or contempt is risky because it can suggest an inability to support the child’s relationship with the other parent. If emotions are escalating, request a short recess to regain composure.

Is there a difference in etiquette between Zoom court and in-person court?

The standards are the same, but Zoom requires extra attention to technical details: camera angle, background, lighting, and silenced notifications. Recreate the professionalism of an in-person appearance even while at home.

Can I bring exhibits on a laptop during a hearing?

Yes, if the court has approved electronic exhibits or you have a legitimate need. Coordinate with your attorney and the court clerk before the hearing to ensure the exhibits are properly submitted and accessible. Don’t use a laptop for unrelated browsing during the hearing.

What should I do if I make a mistake while testifying?

Correct yourself calmly and honestly. Briefly state the correction and move on. Judges appreciate candor; trying to cover or overexplain a mistake increases suspicion and anxiety, which can affect courtroom etiquette and your credibility.

If you’d like a printable version of the pre-court checklist or a short practice script to prepare your testimony, speak with your attorney — they can tailor those tools to your case.

Interview conducted by Katie Garner with Jay Henderlite of Sasso Guerrero & Henderlite. This article is designed to give practical guidance on courtroom etiquette so you enter court prepared, composed, and ready to be heard.

Resources For Your Court Appearance

Printable Pre-Court Checklist

• Confirm hearing format and arrival time; arrive or log in 15–30 minutes early.
• Choose conservative, neat clothing appropriate for court.
• Silence and stow your cell phone; close unrelated tabs and apps for Zoom.
• Review your testimony bullet points and key dates or facts you will need.
• Organize only the exhibits and documents you will actually use; label them for quick access.
• Practice breathing and grounding techniques to manage nerves.
• Plan to listen attentively while others speak; avoid scoffing or visible disdain.
• If overwhelmed, politely request a brief recess rather than reacting emotionally.

Short Practice Script (use as a template)

Introduce yourself: “My name is [Full Name]. I am [age/occupation if relevant] and I am here regarding [brief case context].”

Core point: “The facts I can confirm are: [three short bullets—dates, actions, outcomes].”

Closing: “I appreciate the court’s time. I am focused on [child’s welfare/co-parenting/etc.] and will answer any questions truthfully and concisely.”

Mock Q&A Exercises

• Question: “When did this occur?” — Answer: Give the date or month and year; if unsure, say so and offer the best estimate.
• Question: “Why did you act that way?” — Answer: One short sentence with the motivation; avoid long explanations.
• Question: “Do you have evidence?” — Answer: Cite the exhibit number or describe the document briefly and offer it calmly.

Quick Zoom Setup Checklist

• Sit in a neutral, tidy space with good lighting and a stable camera at eye level.
• Test audio and video in advance and mute notifications on all devices.
• Dress as you would for an in-person hearing and remove distractions from view.

Practice Tips for Managing Emotion

• Practice a two- or three-word pause between questions to collect your thoughts.
• Use grounding: press your thumb to a finger or place both hands on your lap to steady yourself.
• If you feel overwhelmed, ask calmly for a short break to regain composure.

Next Steps

If you want a printable PDF of the checklist or a tailored practice script, request those materials from your attorney or the court’s self-help center. Your lawyer can customize the script and mock Q&A to match the specifics of your case and local court procedures.